Tuesday, April 21, 2009

My Baby L :)

I cant even begin to describe how excited I am about having a little Lipscomb on the way. Okay so it was kind of a surprise, but we are thrilled none the less. Just so everyone knows, we are still very early. Amanda is probably about 5 weeks into this deal...which is very early to tell folks, but we were just so excited and wanted to have a support team around us no matter what each week brought. So, pray that baby L is doing his/her thing and that everything goes smoothly.

So as you can imagine I have not really been reading or doing much the past few days. Despite this, God has already been changing both my heart and Amanda's. It is absolutely amazing to see the instant connection a mother has with her child. The love we both have for this little nugget is unreal. I am so proud of my wife and so excited to get to be a parent with her. Anyway, yeah but just in case you dont believe in God....wait until you get pregnant. The whole process of having a baby being formed inside momma L is insane! Every day is perfectly planned as far as how much the baby grows, when the organs start working, when the heart starts beating, etc. It is insane! I can't get over it! I really believe that God's hand is on each and every child that patiently waits inside their mother's womb. Amazing, amazing, amazing.

I am so thankful to have had a great dad to learn this whole thing from. Part of me was bummed that I can't ask questions and vent and be scared in front of him, but my mom reminded me that God knew when dad was going to go home which means whether I feel it or not right now, my dad already taught me everything I need to know.

Finally, my wife would be mad if I did not inform you all of how we actually found out we are pregnant. So, Wednesday morning of last week Amanda got up and took a test before she went to work. I was just barely awake but I remember her saying it was clear...although she did ask me to get up and double check her. After agreeing that we were in the clear I made the ironic statement "We tricked fate once again!" Yeah, joke was on us. About an hour later I got up and walked into the bathroom. I noticed that Amanda had not thrown away the pregnancy test....more importantly I noticed a blue plus sign on the test that had not been there earlier. A little confused I kind of moved on and waited till Amanda got home to show her. Well, it was a good thing I waited because she freaked. Three more tests later and a blood test we confirmed that she was in fact pregnant. So I was the one who found out there was a little baby L in her belly....had I not seen that test we probably would have just found out. Pretty crazy and funny :)

Aight, thats it for now. We will keep everyone updated on our little nugget!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Day 4/5- My Carpe Dieum

Didnt have a chance to blog yesterday....and actually havent really read or written much this morning. Got up early with my wife and went to Starbucks. Had a pretty crazy/exciting day yesterday. More on that in the coming days :)

Had a great chat with one of my best friends Mr. Wyatt Sassman yesterday at Fido(s). We always have these awesome spiritual conversations. I always walk away feeling uplifted and re energized. He and I are totally on the same wavelength about God's presence on earth, how that effects us individually and collectively, and how that plays into other religions, world issues, etc. Insight from another person is always an encouraging thing. Remembering that God is out there and loves us right where we are is also an amazing thing.

Not sure i have much else to say right now. Thankful to be digging through all of this and feeling the presence and joy of God slowly return and be revealed to me.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Day 2- My Pharisee

The big thing that stuck out to me as I was reading through Ragamuffin was how judgmental I am...even when I think I am not. I am especially judgmental towards other Christians and even more towards the Church. I struggle with feeling almost resentment towards the church because of how bad I think they have screwed up Christianity in America. Same goes for many Christians. The truth is, that is me just thinking I am better than they are and that my faith...or lack there of most of the time...is better than theirs. That mean I am no better than the various religious leaders of the New Testament. Each group thought they were right and that everyone else was a sinner.

Who am I to judge another persons salvation? Who am I to say you are not hearing from God? God forgive me for the times I have done this. I want my heart to be clean. I want to truly love unconditionally.

I think my dad did an amazing job of just loving people. In fact, I think he is the best example I have of someone who truly just loved people and never needed to speak loudly about his faith. I got really sad this morning thinking about how such an amazing example was right in front of me yet many times I dont think I let him know how much I respected him for his faith and love. But the truth is, it impacted me and countless other people and I KNOW he knew that. I am honored to continue his legacy and hope I can do half as good of a job as he did.

I will say this....even after two mornings of just digging in I can already feel a large weight taken off of my heart. I am excited and anxious to hear from God again...or just be a little quieter than before so I can truly listen.

Monday, April 13, 2009

My 40 Day Challenge

So after venting and dealing with myself yesterday, I woke up with an idea. As I am dealing with the loss of my dad I really want to deal with my spirituality. Kind of get a clean slate going. The thing I love most about my God is that I do not have to be perfect. So, I am not re-committing my life or anything "church created" like that. I am just sitting down and working this out with God, just He and I, one on one, until my heart and His voice are back in tune. There are many accounts in Scripture of God just going silent on a person or group of people such as the Israelites. I kind of feel like that is me (as does my wife) so I have decided it is time to put the ball in God's court. I am going to sit, be still, read, write, listen until I hear from Him. I am calling this my 40 day challenge because it is a good, biblical, reference number to put on a journey. Lots of things took place over 40 days in the bible....so figured I would start there. If it takes longer, great. If it takes less time, even better :) I am going to be reading through The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning and if I finish that probably picking up where I left off in Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller. The thing I love about these writers is that they give great points to pick up Scripture and just dig through as you are reading.

So today was the first day obviously. Read a great chapter in Ragamuffin and journaled a little as well. I am trying really hard to dig deep and find out where I am hurting the most without dad. I am very very afraid of letting un-dealt with anger get the best of me. This week I can tell you I am hurting a lot for my mom...which makes me angry with God because I do not know Him to be one who leaves us alone.

I think that is a good place to start...honest with God, accepting His grace with arms open wide, and beginning a journey to rediscover my identity in Christ so that I can lead my family through this time and follow the path set before me for this present moment. I hope you all enjoy reading my blogs and maybe we can help eachother out along the way.


Sunday, April 12, 2009

Mice and Easter

So im sitting here at 9:30am after being woken from my slumber to the sound of a mouse scurrying back and forth in our wall, I am wondering DO I honestly feel like going to church? And honestly the answer is no. Everyone gets so excited about Easter, but I just cant this year. Not sure if I could last year either. The human side of me is winning this morning...today is just one of those days where I cant be excited about Jesus. Or at least not in the same way everyone around me is I suppose. Today is just a reminder that life is short and that I have loved ones who are no longer here. I guess in some way Easter should be exciting because I know my dad is having a party, but I am just not excited about it in that way. I hope that God respects my honesty because if not I am in big trouble ya know? I could care less about walking in to church this morning and singing some stupid praise and worship songs that I haven't liked ever since Chris Tomlin started using the exact same framework that he stole from U2 that everyone else copies now, or listening to the same Good News that seems to mean absolutely nothing to people in America, or remembering that death is a part of our journey.

As much as I believe and know that God is real, there are days I just want to punch him in the face. He had the power to not take dad home and for some reason he chose otherwise. I am not necessarily asking why but I am admitting there are days like today where my faith/prayers/passion feel pretty useless. And I have been here for a while now..this "valley" I suppose. I havent lost faith, but certainly feel as if my chest has been ripped open and my heart is just kind of out there waiting for some kind of answer.

So, "Happy Easter" I suppose. Go celebrate and be joyful for those of us who just cant do it right now.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Warning Sign

One month and a week later we are still standing on our feet. Everyday it is a little more weird too think dad isn't coming back though. Sometimes I imagine he is just on a long vacation and it will only be a few more days until we get to see him again. I guess that is kind of what he is doing...especially when compared to eternity.

I was just sitting here at the office looking at my guitar junk that I finally set up after like two months and thinking about all of this mess. I am constantly amazed at the speed in which things can disappear from your life. This may be a loved one, a friend, a relationship, or even a job. I have friends who like me have lost loved ones in an instant, friends who lost their long time gig in an instant, and then of course there is my family who lost someone they loved. The obvious question is why. The obvious answer is..we have no answer. Something I really respect about the people who are walking all of their own mess and mine is their resilience and stead fast belief that at the end of the day we serve a God who loves us.

I am a mess ya know? It hurts when something exciting happens and I cant call my dad. Instead I just kind of look up and smile thinking "ya, you already know." God I hope I can help others the way I have been helped through all of this.

And yeah I sound kind of sad and disappointed but in all honesty, their has been so much healing already.

And now I have totally lost my train of thought.

I think the point was....we all go through a bunch of crap. And I am amazed and how people handle all of that crap, whatever it may be.

Thats all I got!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Here It Is

Well its 1AM and I am still awake waiting for my mother to get home from the Moore's house on this icy, snowy evening (go figure) and thought I would update the world on how things are going.

First off I hope that none of you are offended when I hit the ignore button on my phone right now. I wish I could explain what it feels like to be on this part of losing someone but it is really hard. Some of you know that feeling and have been through this therefore can say "yeah I did the same thing." I promise I will call everyone back, it might just take a while.

Now, to get to the good stuff. My dad was an amazing man. I am so honored and grateful to have had a father who loved me and my family as much as he did. I have been wanting to write that out for a few days now but was worried I would just cry...and that is just one sentence. These past few days have sucked pretty bad, however, I am also very thankful that dad got to peace out so peacefully. My mom will get to hold onto that moment forever...such an amazing thing. God do I miss him though. As happy as I am to know he does not have to battle cancer anymore it sucks to be on this side of it...this side of heaven to be cliche. Im watching my mom try to figure out life without her man, watching my brother figure out life without pops and then looking at myself and my wife doing the same thing.....its tough. The best way to describe the feeling I get when I realizes this isnt just some bad dream (one I am getting as typing so this may be in real time) is that it is like being stabbed in the chest and the knife going from there all the way down to your gut. Okay okay Im not here to boo hoo. More than anything I wanted to get that out so I could share some great memories of poppa bear.

I was thinking back today about him going to all of the stupid things I was into when I was in middle school and high school...specifically paintball. He drove us and helped pay for at least two paintball tournaments even though we really had no hope of winning. He is the reason I started playing guitar and the reason I am so in love with music today...even though he quit playing guitar when I got better than him. He is the reason I want to continue to be involved in the Christian music business. His character makes him better than any manager who is around the entire music world...yeah I said it. And I am pretty sure everyone would agree. If I can be half of the man my dad was I will have accomplished something great in my lifetime. He came to almost every concert I ever played...even if it was more than an hour or two drive. He loveeed loveed my mom...god he loved my mom. I have the perfect example of a marriage to learn from as Amanda and I share our life together. He helped me when I was an idiot..but never made me feel like one. I could always come to him and get advice without feeling like I would get in trouble. He took me on some bad ass trips for significant birthdays. We went snowboarding when I was sixteen and to New York for a U2 concert when I was 18. He let me work for him when I wanted to get a job even though I was an air head for a long time and probably a little irresponsible.

Seriously, this is just the beginning. What a life he lived and lived with us. It is an amazing feeling to say that I have no regrets, no second thoughts, no anything I wish would hav been different with my dad.

Dad, you're a great man and I miss you like crazy. I miss our talks and hang times. But I am so thankful that you left me such an amazing legacy to live by. Do some good work up there. I know we look forward to seeing so someday so we can all party together.

Thanks for letting me get all of this out...it is really healing to just post some lame old blog. This is how I work my shyt out....so work it I shall!